Speeding into the New Year

PREVIOUSLY unpublished information about the nation's speed cameras could be made available to drivers from next April under plans unveiled by the Coalition Government.

Road Safety Minister Mike Penning said this week that he wanted more information about all safety cameras to be made public, and suggested details such as accident rates and the options offered to motorists caught speeding should be made available as early as next April.

“Public bodies should be accountable and if taxpayers' money is being spent on speed cameras then it is right that information about their effectiveness is available to the public,” he said.

“The proposals I have announced today will help show what impact cameras are having on accident and casualty rates and also how the police are dealing with offenders.

This is in line with our commitment to improve transparency of government data so that the public are able to make more informed judgements about the work of local and central government.”

The Association of British Drivers said it welcomed the Government's announcements, which if fully approved will force road safety partnerships to publish more information, but said the scope of the information should go further.

“The ABD have years of experience attempting to get raw data out of elusive partnerships without success. Any data grudgingly released is invariably missing vital information or spun in a misleading fashion. This cannot continue,” said ABD Chairman Brian Gregory.

“Only when armed with the full information can the public see exactly what effect an individual camera has had. Of course, the raw data will also need to be ‘trend adjusted' i.e. casualties will have fallen everywhere over any recent ten year period due to huge advances in vehicle design.”

The Department for Transport said it will be working with police and local authority representatives as well as the Highways Agency to discuss the details of what should be published and how. The final requirements will then be confirmed in time for publication in April 2011.

Anyone expecting a New Year round up of the best cars, roads and things from 2010 should click here.

Fire up the... Mitsubishi ASX

ONE of the best things about driving new cars, I wager, is knowing that you're never going to come across a bad one.

Think about it; no matter what you make of the scores of models on sale right now, not one of them is going to fail to start up on a cold morning, make strange clicking noises when you do eventually set off or - worst of all - shed vital components when you're on the move. All things that have happened on the older machines I've actually owned, so you have to conclude that they just don't make ‘em like they used to. They make them much better.

This what I ended up pondering after driving Mitsubishi's ASX, because it occured to me that all cars, without a whisper of exception are now so startingly good that in fact anything less than class-leadingly excellent is in fact the new bad.

The ASX, particularly the 1.6 petrol version I've driven, is very, very good in all that areas that actually matter to motorists, particularly in how well it's screwed together and the utter sense of dependability it always gives you. The Japanese company's newest model, which comes with two or four wheel drive and blends Golf-esque size and dynamics with off-roader styling cues and practicality, is the kind of car you'd comfortably expect to survive a small nuclear blast.

It's also exceptionally practical, with plenty of room both up front and in the back, a big boot to carry all the things you don't need to hand, and lots of little storage bins and cubby holes for the things you do. It handles nicely too, keeping up with spirited driving whether you're on country lanes or dicing through gaps in busier traffic.

The particular engine I tried goes well enough and is refined enough for longer runs, but in many instances I found it lacked the mid-range punch I would have liked for overtaking, meaning the ASX is one of the few instances where I'd recommend the punchier, torquier diesel version.

But the problem with this car is not that it's bad, but that it's boring, with very little in the conservative styling outside and the unremitting dark grey of the dashboard to inspire you. The ASX is something you'd buy with your head, and it is a clever choice if you're looking for a solid, dependable crossover of a car.

But buy it with your heart? Not a chance.

More true grit from the Germans

THE radio news bulletin in the car on the way into Solingen was entirely in German, but I knew it was about the snowy conditions. I understood just two words; “London Heathrow”.

What you see above is a residential street in downtown Solingen, a German city where I'm currently on holiday, in the middle of the same snowy winter we Brits are going through. Don't be fooled by the massive mounds of the white stuff surrounding the parked cars; both the roads and the pavements have not only been gritted, but cleared as well. Something we don't seem to be able to manage in Sefton or West Lancashire.


When it snows in Germany the roads are cleared, the pavements gritted and shoppers put their gloves on and carry on. In Britain the public transport system is paralysed, entire airports shut down, cars crash on icy roads and pensioners slip on the frozen pavements. It’s bizarre, but we Brits as a nation just can’t cope with snow!

Last year I saw first hand how the entire region was caught out by an unusually high amount of snow. Searching questions were asked of the Government and the local councils, who promised that the scenario where entire towns were left ungritted wouldn’t happen again. It just has!

In England I’ve seen buses and trains cancelled, roads which look more like ice rinks, and even milk deliveries being carried out by tractor. Here, the most dramatic things I've seen are a Smart buried nose-deep into the snow, and a very elderly Citroen 2CV going about its business on snow chains.

The way everyone in Germany gets the roads cleared and just carries on, completely unfazed, never ceases to amaze me.

Compared to the chaos we’ve got, the Germans don’t know how lucky they are.

Fire up the... Abarth Punto

WHAT'S red and white and travels around Britain at breakneck speed? Nope, it's not Father Christmas, but Abarth's go-faster treatment of one of Fiat's best sellers.

This pimped-out Punto isn't, the marketing men insist, a Fiat at all, but an exciting and sporty hot hatch from Abarth, who if you reach for the history books have actually notched up quite a bit of motorsport heritage. It's just a shame that Fiat, who took over the motorsport outfit, then squandered its significance by using the name for sad cosmetic kits for Seicentos and Stilos, but since then it's made a bit of a comeback with the near-universally praised Abarth 500.

The question for this racy-looking road rocket, then, is really rather simple; is it the perfect Christmas present for the hot hatch fan, or is it an Abarth in name only?

The good news starts even before you step inside; like the little 500, it has one of the best bodykits I've seen on any of today's sportier superminis, having go-faster stripes where you'd want them, black alloy wheels, and nothing at all in the way of silly spoilers or big wings. There's something very Seventies about the big ABARTH logos running down the side, and the company's famed Scorpion badge will allow at least some bragging rights in the pub car park.

But even that doesn't get you past this car's biggest problem; whichever way you look at it the Fiat Punto, which the Abarth's based on, it's a car that's showing its age. Sure, it's still stylish, roomy and practical, but you get the sense, particularly when you're inside, that it's lost the edge to newer rivals.

It's also something you sense behind the wheel, because while the Abarth has a delightful scrabbly feel off the line, you always get the suspicion that its 180bhp isn't quite enough in a hot hatch market obsessed with horsepower. I'd buy it over the Abarth offerings of old, but over a Citroen DS3 or Renaultsport Clio? Sadly, I suspect I probably wouldn't.

And anyway; Abarth already makes a hatchback that really is worth every penny. The Abarth 500.

As published in The Champion on December 22, 2010

It's snow joke when you're not actually a rally driver

MY apologies to the annoyed-looking man across the road.

Regular readers will be delighted to know that my battle to get my No Claims Bonus recognised by the Rover's insurers has finally been won, after they finally accepted the mountain of paperwork I'd sent through as proof of me being a careful driver.

A reputation hard earned and very nearly ruined by tonight's weather.

Regular readers will also know that the idea of driving on snow doesn't terrify me as much as it probably should; in fact, I actually relish the challenge of ploughing through it, because it's a great excuse to practise your car control skills. That and secretly pretend you're about to win the Rally Sweden.

The old Life On Cars Mini was, as you'd expect, utterly brilliant on the white stuff, being light and nimble and perfectly balanced, which in turn meant when you did lose grip at surprisingly slow speeds it was an easy slide to catch. This could, I wager, be part of the reason why the original Mini Cooper S was a three-times Monte Carlo rally winner.

You might have forgotten the Renault 5's got rally pedigree too; true, all the high-profile victories might have gone to the mid-engined 5 Turbo but the front-engined one, which is far more closely related to my old £100 banger, actually proved quite a capable hot hatch in the handling stakes. While it was never as nimble as the Mini, it was a lot more reassuring.

So it's a shame the Rover 214, a bigger, heavier car which focuses more on opulent trim than opposite lock, hasn't quite passed the snow test. It's comfy, don't get me wrong, but it's also not a six-year-old schoolchild of car that wants to come out and play whenever it snows.

Put simply, I spun it. Sorry...

A special Christmas present for both our readers

THIS time last Christmas Toyota's tiniest offering got robbed of a not-at-all prestigious award, and it's all my fault.

Regular readers might recall that last year I offered up some honours to the good, the bad and the ugly of 2009, and that Toyota's radical little IQ got pipped to the post by Ford's Fiesta at the very last minute, largely because I wimped out and said the oriental city car's boot was too small.

Yep, it's time to revive the Life On Cars Awards, in a time-honoured tradition dating back to, oooh, this time last year. Only this time the job of working out what this year's best car was is even harder, because there's no less than five motors to mull over.

For starters, there's the Citroen DS3, which not only got shortlisted for the official European Car of the Year award but was also named by Stuff Magazine as the nation's trendiest car. I still think the clutch is a little lighter than I'd like but in every version I've tried is fabulously crisp through the corners, the interior gives off an air of quality and it looks great. It is that rare thing; a Citroen that's cool.

But it's got competition in the surprising shape of the Suzuki Swift, which I wasn't expecting to be anything Earth-shattering but it bowled me over by being a small sports car in disguise. I still think it's not quite as funky as its predecessor and that the boot lip's too high, but everything from its slick gearchange to its sense of fun when you drive it proved hugely impressive.

The car, I reckon, everyone at The Champion offices loved was Skoda's Yeti, which offers much more than just distinctive styling. It's like a Land Rover Discovery, but usefully smaller and much, much cheaper. If you like taking your dog for walks in the countryside, I cannot think of a better car for the job.

Certainly its roomier than the Honda's CR-Z, a sporty and slightly cramped coupe I drove and fell in love with on a couple of occasions this year. It achieves the historic feat of being the first hybrid car you'd actually want to buy because it's a nice car, and not as an eco-friendly statement. Good looking, revvy and fun to drive, it's a real contender.

It's only matched in the style stakes by our final contender, the Peugeot RCZ, which I've already had several arguments with readers over because I reckon it is truly beautiful. Striking, sporty and surprisingly practical, I'm not surprised Peugeot has had such a hit on its hands with this coupe.

It's a special treat for Champion-reading car lovers, and my way of saying Merry Christmas.

Open publication - Free publishing - More automotive

Volkswagen's black cab

EVER wondered what the iconic black cab would look like if a group of German engineers went about redesigning it?

That's the question Volkswagen have put to the public with its Taxi Concept Car, which it launched in London this week complete with a raft of what it calls “tongue-in-cheek” design touches.

Naturally, it's black and has a sign with the word TAXI written on it in large, luminous letters, but the rest of the details are either a) a tad fatuous or b) not really taxi-esque enough. The stylised Union Flag on the roof, for instance, would be fine as a sort of cheeky style statement atop a Mini Cooper, but unless you've somehow landed at Heathrow and made it to the exit without working out which country you're now in, I can't see it being much use on Volkswagen's reinvention of the cab.

What about, for instance, fitting a stereo that only plays MOR and Easy Listening? I have, for instance, only encountered these genres being played on sound systems in taxis, which in the happy haze of a drunken hour sound like a cross between an Enya cover of Fleetwood Mac's back catalogue and a blue whale giving birth. You can also never trace these mysterious radio stations the following morning.

Taxis, too, are usually equipped with a cheap, nasty faux leather you'd never see in any normal car; I know it's a cover designed to make it easy to clean a reveller's kebab/Smirnoff Ice vomit cocktail, but it's not a feature VW's mentioned on its taxi, which makes me think they haven't thought of it.

And don't forget the piece de resistance: the drivers themselves, who are more often than not lovely, intelligent people but on the very odd occasion seem to be opinionated chaps you'd be forgiven for assuming are practising for a BNP pre-entry oral exam. In the past friends and I have been forced into all sorts of conversations you thought had been left behind at Bernard Manning gigs, circa 1980.

Volkswagen misses out on these quintessentially British details, you see...

Why I'm still not charged up by electric cars

IF you make it as far as the motors section in tomorrow's Champion, you'll probably be bored with all the stories about the Coalition Government cutting things. But what if they gave you £5,000 off your next new car?

That's right; David Cuts Cameron and his Lib Dem sidekick, Nasty Nick Clegg, actually announced yesterday that they're going to give you a whopping £5,000 off the price of your next car. Naturally, there's a slight snag to this nugget of good news - it has to run on electricity.

When the scheme starts in January, there will be just three cars on sale in British showrooms which run solely on electricity, which admittedly is three more than this time last year. The Mitsubishi iMiev, the the Smart Fortwo electric drive and the Peugeot iOn. Yet as much as I'd like to save the Earth, I'm yet to be convinced electric cars actually work properly yet.

I base this on my limited experience of driving just one electric car, the zero-emissions MINI E which BMW trialled in the South East earlier this year. I've driven and enjoyed the petrol-powered Cooper on a couple of occasions, but the MINI of the volt-powered variety was - and I choose my words carefully - one of the worst cars I've driven this year.

Sure, with all the power available at precisely no revs at all it got off the line like a greyhound, but the engine braking in particular was appalling; one on occasion, I pulled up safely at a roundabout without touching the brakes. It also had no back seats and a range of less than 150 miles and as much as BMW stressed it was an experiment and not a finished product, I really couldn't recommend it.

I've every hope that the similarly electric Nissan Leaf, which has just been voted European Car of the Year, and Citroen's C-Zero, which has just achieved the not-at-all-impressive feat of being the first car to successfully use the Eurotunnel, prove better buys. But there's still one real price you'll have to pay, and that's the price itself.

With the iMiev - a tiny city car - on sale at £24,000 and the Leaf due to cost about the same when it eventually goes on sale, I just can't see why you'd pay the price of a 3 Series or Golf GTi for a tiny and not terribly inspiring hatchback just because it runs on electricity.

I can't wait to be proven wrong, of course, but at the end of 2010 and even with the temptation of a tasty £5,000 discount, I just can't get charged up about electric cars yet.

A problem that'll take two years to solve

I HAVE a revelation which will shock number-crunchers everywhere; 24 months is no longer the same length as two years!

With the house gaily decorated, presents underneath the tree and the weather outside on the wintry side I know it's that special time of year again; the time when I get annoyed with the car insurance industry. This year, it's over the idea that 24 months and two years aren't the same thing.

I insured my Rover knowing I have one full year of No Claims Bonus from 2009 on the old Mini, 11 months on the Renault 5 this year and another six on another policy covering the Mini, which overall, is more than two years' worth of driving, during which time I haven't made a single claim.

Fairly enough, the Rover's insurers wanted proof of this, and although I haven't had all the paperwork to hand I've sent details of the NCB proof I have to hand right now - the two from this year - which both they and the previous company agree counts as one years' NCB between them. I am also in the process of sending the policy on the Mini which I had in 2009, which when it arrives in the post, will confirm a second 12 months of not claiming.

What I'm worried about is that the Rover's insurers won't see it that way, in which case I owe them £115 for the privilege of redefining how long 24 months is.

What's worse, the warning letter they sent to me on November 28th gave me ten days to sort my affairs out, which I would have done had one of my relatives not decided it was his post, ignored it, come back to it and then told me more than a week after he'd got it that I "might want to sort it out". So essentially I'm running the risk of being penalised to the tune of £115 because someone else had picked up my post and neglected to mention it.

I'm not the stereotypical Yoof who cost the car insurance industry millions by just not bothering at all; I insure all my cars fairly, squarely and honestly, I drive safely, I pay their ridiculously high premiums on the dot and - most importantly for them - I don't ring them up with those bothersome "claims" they're always moaning about. Yes, I'm a petrolhead, but I'm one who doesn't break the law.

Maybe, when I'm older and wiser, I'll share this story with my children in 20 years' time. Oh no, wait, make that 240 months...

Britain's most exclusive sports car

WANT a nice, sporty car nobody else has got? Then - unlikely as it seems - you'll have to get yourself one of these.

Earlier this year I praised Volkswagen's Phaeton as being one of Britain's most exclusive motors, but it seems after looking through official figures released this week which tell you who's bought what in 2010 so far I'm going to retract my reccomendation. For true exclusivity, you'd be much better off with the Daihatsu Copen.

Consider this; so far this year Daihatsu has sold 170 cars in the UK. That's not just the stat for the two-seater, really rather pretty little Copen, but the entire brand. That's less than one a day, and the company sells four different models over here. Ford sell 115 times that number in a single month!

To make more sense of the shocking statistic you've also got to consider the handful of companies that sold even fewer cars, which include soon to axed SUV masters Hummer (who sold four cars), European luxury car sales flop Cadillac (24 cars), Chevrolet's Corvette sub-brand (two cars), and deleted upmarket Jaguar maker Daimler (two cars).

Almost all of these badges come on cars that are obsolete, irrelevant or, let's face it, rubbish.

But to brand the Daihatsu, er, brand in the same way is missing out on some entertaining little motors, not least the fizzy Copen sports car, which only put British buyers off because it's so tiny. Anyone who recalls Jeremy Clarkson escaping a pack of hounds while at the helm of the Terios will know it's a surprisingly capable off-roader, and even the Sirion supermini has a quirky charm. In fact, the only model I'd actively avoid is the ugly, too-tall-for-its-boots Materia MPV.

I also reckon the days of driving a Daihatsu and having people laugh at you are finally gone, partly because it doesn't make the ridiculous Move city car anymore and partly because nobody has ever seen any of the new models. You're more likely to get quizzical looks from bystanders, genuinely curious as to what that strange little sports car you're driving actually is.

So go on, buy a Daihatsu before the company's UK importers get put off and delete it from the country's showrooms altogether.

It'll be more exclusive than any of Aston Martin's models, and that's a fact.

Swiss and cheesy

FORGET the Ferrari 458 Spider, the BMW 650i Convertible and even the new MINI Roadster. Next year's ultimate open top car will be made in Switzerland from bits of bamboo.

Chances are you're too busy scraping the ice off your windscreen to contemplate going anywhere near a convertible, but even in the middle of deepest winter a slightly bonkers concept car from a company based about 20 minutes' drive, from Zurich, is being hailed as one of next year's unlikely motorshow stars.

Switzerland as a nation has never really taken the car to its heart - motorsport, for instance, is banned altogether - and I've already reckoned Rinspeed, this new car's creator, is the result of all the latent enthusiasm left to boil over among the country's few petrolhead residents.

In previous years they've given us the Splash, the world's first and as far as I know only hydrofoil car, the Presto, which can stretch in size at the touch of a button, and the X-Trem, which is what a Mercedes M Class would look like if you asked a small child to redesign it as a yellow pickup truck with a hovercraft on the back. As a car company, they're ingenious and insane in equal measure.

So it's not at all surprising to discover the Rinspeed Bamboo has an interior lined with - you guessed it - bamboo - and an exterior painted in gold and topped off with some poles and a bit of black fabric. Apparently, it's meant to remind you of St Tropez at some point in the Seventies, with Brigitte Bardot behind the wheel with playboy Gunther Sachs at her side. That's the company's description, not mine!

It is, particularly from the viewpoint of a frosty British person, possibly about the most pointless vehicle I've ever seen, unless you're actually convinced you're a character from the Roger Moore era of James Bond films and have Boney M's greatest hits on standby. Even if Seventies fashion makes a comeback next spring you've still got remember what it is; a beach buggy lined with bamboo and crafted by lunatics in a shed in Switzerland.

I still want one though.

Fire up the... Nissan Cube

GET a six-year-old child to scribble a picture of a car for you and chances are their creation would look like something like this.

Nissan's Cube is cute and curious in equal measure, with its deliberately, defiantly boxy stance being the first thing that hits you when you come across it. Paint one red and you're letting yourself in for Postman Pat jokes, but get the colours, wheels and spec right on what's a very Oriental automobile and you'll have an intruigingly different bit of motoring on your hands.

There's no getting around the decidedly high-rise styling - you either love it or hate it, and given that the entire car's named in its honour, it's not going to be changing any time soon. It's particularly sensitive to colours, with pastel shades and white - national colour of Japan, the Cube's home country - being the best bet.

Step inside and it reminds you more of a Tokyo flat than the inside of a car, with more in the way of colour schemes shipped in straight from the Far East, thin, bench-like seats and lots of storage nets, which are not only handy for smaller items but actually lift the ambience of the entire car, adding to the very airy feel created by the expansive window space. With masses of head and legroom, it's about as far removed from the Micra as you can possibly get. You could spend hours marvelling at the ornate netting covering the sunroof in particular, because it honestly looks like the papery walls you imagine line every flat and hotel room in the whole of Japan.

Where it falls down is in the dynamics created by that tall, boxy body, suffering from vague steering and straight-line performance that's nowhere near gutless but not class-leadingly brilliant either, so keen drivers are better advised to look elsewhere. It's still worthy sacrifice to pay for the style and clever packaging, but it's not a car to reward on quiet country roads.

The starting price of £14,000 might put budget-conscious buyers off too, putting it straight into the sight of Volkswagen's Golf and the MINI, but where it scores highly is in providing a car that dares to be different that'll be endlessly reliable.

It's not for everyone but if you're smitten with the style it's well worth a look.

As published in The Champion on December 8, 2010

My Bad Romance with historic vehicle tax

TODAY I'd like to begin a column covering all matters motoring with Lady Gaga. An unlikely icon of our times.

Weird and wonderful in almost every measure, Miss Poker Face wears dresses made from meat, makes bizarre statements in the pages of Heat magazine, and sings songs about the joys of getting utterly smashed after drinking a tad too much red wine. But she's not yet been invited into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, whereas Madonna has.

All of which brings me neatly onto my MGB, which the DLVA are currently reclassifying as an historic vehicle, meaning the amount of road tax I have to pay is nothing. The Government quite rightly agree that cars like mine are icons of the automotive world, and because they make our roads a prettier place they're happy to allow them a tax break.

But you'll still have to stump up to run the equally worthy Mazda MX-5, Ford Escort Cosworth and Ferrari F40 because they were made after the Government's cut off point for classic cars, which is January 1, 1973, meaning that like Lady Gaga they're arguably iconic but not in a way that's accepted in any vaguely official way.

There's also a mountain of miserable motors made before 1973 that arguably aren't exciting enough to warrant free road tax - you might not remember the Hillman Avenger, but if you do you'll know it's so ugly and desperately unattractive it can't possibly be considered a classic. Designating it an Historic Vehicle is about as stupid as slapping on an Historic Market Town sign in front of Milton Keynes.

Clearly, what we need is a new organisation which can decide up ‘n' coming classics on a case-by-case basis, and clear up once and for all that the Lotus Elise, for instance, is a classic car and the Hillman Avenger isn't. Ideally, it'd be led by

Top Gear's James May - a man we can trust with the noble task of overseeing the nation's classic cars - and guided by advice from Stirling Moss, petrolhead turned TV funnyman Steve Coogan and at least one person who works for Autocar. Trust me, it's a much better system than the one we've got now!

Don't hold your breath though...

Nissan Leaf is European Car of the Year 2011

FOR a change I actually agree with fellow Champ columnist Jim Sharpe, of One Man and His Dog fame. Because, judging by this latest evidence, the tree huggers and greenies have won.

In order for the Nissan Leaf to be chosen as this year's European Car of the Year the judges, who are expert road testers from across Europe and therefore know far more about cars than I do, had to do something spectacular. They had to overlook the sporty Citroen DS3, the quirky Dacia Duster, the fun and frugal Vauxhall Meriva, the stylish Volvo V60 and S60, the spacious Ford C-Max and the gorgeous Alfa Giuletta.... and choose an electric hatchback costing £23,000 as their winner.

Regular readers might remember that last year I disagreed with the experts' opinion that the Volkswagen Polo, a worthy-but-dull supermini, was better than the radically packaged and intruiging little Toyota IQ, but this year really is proof that the official contest is a waste of time. For anyone who thinks this moment of madness is a one-off I refer you to the Talbot Horizon and Renault 9, which weren't particularly worthy winners either.

The Leaf might be built in Britain and boast of a greener, cleaner automotive future, but it's still a car which asks you to stump up the price of a Golf GTi for something which can't get you to Glasgow for that all important meeting because it'll run out of battery power and has all the visual appeal of a piece of lettuce.

I admire Nissan for at least trying to solve the problem of global warming, but the Leaf is a spectacularly stupid car.

Worry not, though, because Life On Cars' own Car of the Year award is on the way soon, and the Leaf isn't anywhere near the shortlist of cracking cars launched in the past year.

A Car of the Year special of the Life On Cars Magazine will be published next month.

The nightmare of new police car regulations

LAST night I got pulled by the law for motoring offences. I just can't remember which ones because it was part of a slightly strange nightmare.

After a night eating strange and exotic new foods and getting reacquainted with the joys of a particularly enjoyable single malt I'd gone to bed and somehow, via the Land of Nod, ended up giving someone a lift in my MGB GT. Normally, I'd know this is impossible because it's a restoration project still several months away from its finished state, but because it was a dream it was completely and utterly believable. The good news is that, even if you're only driving it in a dream, it looks and sounds the business.

Unfortunately, a police officer parked up in marked BMW X5 clocked that it wasn't finished, pulled me over and booked me for offences I can't remember, and because this was a dream he also bypassed the boring business of taking me to court, swiping my driving licence off me there and then. Months of classic car motoring swiped from me.... and all because I'd eaten some scallops for supper. Luckily, that's when I woke up.

Surreal as it sounds, I'm worried it could inadvertently come true, because thanks to new agreements affecting the region's police forces being brought in, making the prospect of being pulled by a policeman in an X5 worryingly possible. Under the National Policing Improvement Agency's new arrangements, BMW's biggest off-roader, unfortunately, is one of a small choice of 4x4s on offer to the nation's 54 forces.

It's all part of plans to chop the choice on offer to all of Britain's police forces - including Merseyside Police and Lancashire Constabulary - by agreeing a set list of motor makers to provide the vehicles. The David Cameron in me ought to be praising the fact it's going to save more than £3m and luckily the choice is still large enough to prevent you being able to pick out the unmarked cars, but from a petrolhead point of view it's a crying shame, as it'll almost certainly mark the end of being pulled over by something memorable.

The Krays, for instance, could count on being pulled over by anything from an MG soft top sports car, through Lotus Cortinas and even going up to their criminal chariot of choice, the Jaguar MK2. The real Gene Hunts of the Seventies and Eighties could have booked crooks in Capris, Sunbeam Lotuses and Rover SD1s.

These days, though, you can forget any thoughts of being pulled over by an Alfa, Chrysler, or Lexus to name but three, because they're not on the list. But BMW's cars - including the X5 - are, so I can't rule out my nightmare of being pulled in my cherished classic turning true.

Alternatively, I could just try going to sleep on an empty stomach.

P.S: I know the police car pictured above is not a BMW X5, before any particular readers point it out...

Fire up the... Lexus IS-F

THIS car's closest rival, believe it or not, is Liverpool Airport.

I say because the easiest and cheapest way to experience the epic acceleration of Lexus' IS-F, the company's first ever supersaloon, is to check in for the next flight from John Lennon, strap yourself into an Easyjet Boeing 737, and remind yourself of the way it rockets down the runway as it takes off. Japan's answer to the BMW M3 is a master of that same sort of relentless acceleration.

Thanks to a 414bhp, 5.0 litre V8 engine nestling under the bonnet of this otherwise sober suited saloon, this Lexus is fast on a level far removed from ordinary British motoring, making it wickedly intoxicating and effortlessly illegal at the same time.

It's as easy to drive as anything else from the firm's showrooms, being smooth and quiet on country roads and a doddle through built up areas, but mash your right foot into the floor and you might as well be on the next flight to Malaga.

Even overtaking, this car's party piece, can get you into trouble if you don't watch your speed, because even split second bursts will propel you well over the speed limit, although as a conselation you're treated to an American muscle car soundtrack as you do it!

My only real criticism is that it's neither as outlandish as BMW's M3 or Jaguar's XFR - a saloon with this much potency might as well look the part - and that the interior, well built and sumptuously trimmed as it is, isn't particularly inspiring either.

In my heart of hearts I know that a £57,000 Lexus that gets from nought to 60mph in less than five seconds before powering on to a top speed of almost 170mph is completely irrelevant in an age of austerity and Government cost-cutting, and that really I should be pointing you in the direction of one of the firm's eco-friendly hybrid models instead.

But you just can't help loving this Lexus.

As published in The Champion on December 1, 2010

Audi's RS badge is back!

THE badge reserved for Audi's most fearsome models is back - but this time it's on one of the smallest cars the company sells.

Following in the footsteps of the RS4 and RS6 saloons and RS5 and TT RS comes the blistering RS3, which is based on the normal Audi A3 hatchback but packs a 340bhp punch to help it take on ever more powerful rivals from the likes of Ford and BMW.

Audi says that by taking the same five-cylinder engine and four-wheel-drive system as the TT RS the new arrival makes plenty of nods to the iconic Quattro of the 1980s, and should get from nought to sixty in a shotgun 4.6 seconds.

The RS3 arrives in showrooms next spring with a £39,000 pricetag, although you can order it from next month.

No word yet on whether they're planning an RS1 though.

Land Rover vs council gritting teams

DON'T worry about winter getting a bit nasty this year. Providing you've got at least £19,775 to spare you'll be absolutely fine.

That's what Land Rover, Britain's longest established maker of off-roaders, reckoned in its latest full page advert in the nationals, which instead of a car showed shots of snowy scenes from earlier this year. The cost of staying on top of the next Big Freeze, the company reckons, is the entry-level price for the Defender. Convenient or what?

As a longtime lover of all things Land Rover I'd like to say I couldn't agree more; but unfortunately the chaps at the Solihull factory, I reckon, have got it wrong this time. You shouldn't need to use a Land Rover Defender to drive to work because the roads should have been gritted by your friendly, cash-strapped local council. It's a crazy idea, but it might just work.

Even when the roads were at their snowiest, slippiest point during last year's particularly cold snap, there was nothing a bit of carefully-used throttle and a dab of opposite lock steering couldn't solve. I actually developed my snow driving to the point where I was actually enjoyed the daily skid into work, but in most cases all but the quietest roads had actually been gritted long before I'd woken up each morning.

What's more, Lancashire County Council in particular have said they've learned their lessons from last year and are already prepared with a third more grit this time, so I suspect the need to pop out to your friendly local Land Rover showroom won't be quite as pressing as last winter.

Anyone who's seen any of the Land Rovers or Range Rovers I used to get ferried to school in will know I've nothing against them; they are charismatic, capable and genuinely useful things to have around, but chances are you'll only genuinely need one if you're venturing off the beaten track.

If you're not, I'm actually going to suggest you spend a small fraction of what a Defender costs by showing true grit....and buying grit instead.

Life On Cars Magazine, Issue Two

IT'S BACK, by popular demand!

Lots of you said you enjoyed Life On Cars in handy magazine form when the original issue got published way back in July, as a sort of birthday treat for the blog you're reading reaching its first birthday.

In the end, I decided to do a follow up because there's been so much going on in the motoring world, and with the return of Dune FM's Live From Studio One yet to be announced it could be a while before there's any more radio broadcasts.

But along with some stuff you'll already be familiar with, there's also a couple of pieces you won't have read yet, including a media man's perspective of The Stig identity story which gripped the tabloids not so long ago, and a guide to the LA Auto Show, taking place this week.

Read it, enjoy it, and let me know what you think, and hopefully you'll enjoy reading through it as much as I've enjoyed making it.

Will there be a third? Watch this space...

Open publication - Free publishing - More motors

The mystery of the Skover pickup

FORGET Nessie or the Beast of Bodmin Moor. Stranger things have happened, as one Life On Cars reader has found out!

Jamie Frew sent in this picture of the strange cross-breed he spotted in a dark supermarket car park somewhere near Glasgow, which appears to splice the genes of the Rover 200 I bought earlier this month with the early Nineties efforts of a certain Czech car maker. It's the Skover Felicia... I think.

I love the idea that a cash-strapped Rover Group would have gone knocking on Skoda's door with a cheque for the Czechs, in return for a tarted-up pickup truck which could have been sold alongside Metros and MGFs. It is badge engineering at its cheapest, simplest level.

Oh alright, I'll come clean; it's a Skoda Felicia Pickup, which someone thought they could improve by removing all the original badging and replacing with Rover wheels and radiator grille. The idea, I take it, was to take away the outdated connotations of cheapness which used to come with Skoda, and replace it with Roverised visions of restraint and refinement.

I'm not entirely sure it's worked...

At least this facelift's better than the Audi Q7

LIKE the American automobiles of old, Life On Cars has just been treated to its annual facelift!

After being innundated with a comment that the blog, which hasn't been properly updated in over a year, was an unremitting sea of blackness, I've gone through the entire thing with an entire toothcomb.

What you're looking at is the result of trying to bring it closer to The Champion colour scheme and just nicer to look at in general, because the general consensus among my petrolhead mates was that it was a good read once you got over the dark, slightly cramped style of its predecessor.

Can't remember what the original looked like? Then click here, and then let me know whether you think I've done a good job of it or not.

Eagle-eyed readers might also spot the "In Print" section subtly added at the top, which does exactly what it says on the tin, giving you the chance to see some of the pieces as they would have appeared in The Champion and GR8Life Magazine.

Stay tuned for the normal motoring musings later this week...

Coming soon...

THE Life On Cars magazine is back!

Well almost, with the most I can reveal at the moment of the upcoming second issue being this preview of the front cover. I can promise, though that the whole thing will be available to read on here later this week.

If you're not familiar with the original issue, which was published to coincide with the first anniversary of Life On Cars back in July, you can read it again in all its glory by clicking here, or by visiting the Magazine section above.

Meanwhile, the website itself is also going to be treated to its annual facelift later this week, to make sure it stays fresh and easy to use as well as being the region's best source of motoring news, reviews and opinions. I can't say much yet about what form it'll take...but I hope you enjoy the finished product.

Watch this space...

What do you know about the DUKW?

A SOUTHPORT man hoping to tell the tale of these mighty vehicles from the resort's past - and he's looking to hear from residents who remember them.

Peter Dyer, of Longacre, told Life On Cars he is working on a book covering the history of the amphibious DUKW vehicles, which were once a common sight along the region's coastline when they were used as rescue vehicles by the Sefton Lifeguards.

“The red and cream DUKWs, workhorses of the Southport and then Sefton Lifeguards, patrolled our shores for nearly four decades,” he explained.

“They were responsible for saving the lives of some 600 people, but started out here as pleasure ride vehicles. Now their story has come full circle, with some of them being used on the Liverpool and London yellow Duck Tours.”

The DUKW, popularly pronounced “duck”, is a six-wheel-drive amphibious truck designed for the American military to use in amphibious attacks during the Second World War, and among other operations was used in the D-Day Landings in 1944.

Mr Dyer is requesting that Champion readers who remember the vehicles should get in touch with him with their stories, along with any additional photos, film footage or information. He is particularly looking for more information about the company Thompson and Doxey Export, which was involved with the vehicles, the use of the Canning Road bus sheds to store them, and any photos from the late 1940s, when they were first introduced.

To get in touch with your stories contact 01704 231685 or by email at peter@peterdyer.wanadoo.co.uk

Fire up the... MINI Countryman

THERE'S a little-known tale from the creation of the new MINI I suddenly remembered while roadtesting the Countryman.

The story goes that just after BMW signed off the reinvention of the British small car classic, they figured that if their smallest car is called a MINI, then logically its eventual bigger brother should be christened the MAXI. Only when they realised British Leyland had already tried - and not entirely successfully - did the idea get quietly dropped.

This, to all extents and purposes, is that car; a MINI that stretches the idea of being minature to its vaguest, fuzziest realms yet. It is MINI made massive, a car that's trying to grow faster than the families spawned by the company's original customers. Don't move out of your MINI and into an MPV just yet, not when you can have the same retro style in a slightly bigger package. That's the idea, anyway.

But the Countryman - cutely named in homage of the Sixties Mini estates - comes across as a turgid take on its smaller and sportier sisters, boasting all the familiar MINI styling cues but in a slightly bloated way. It's the same story on the inside too, with an interior that blends its use of colours and materials well but comes across as chintzy in some of the fussier details, particularly the pizza-sized speedometer surrouding the stereo.

Out on the road it handles impressively for something its size, with a smooth feel through the brakes and suspension, but it feels almost unrelated to the sprightly MINI hatchbacks, with the fun factor strangely absent.

Where it does impress is not the packaging but the dressing, with the retro touches like the cool rocker switches on the dashboard being familiar to MINI moguls, but almost unheard of among rivals like Ford's Kuga and Nissan's Quashqai, which focus more on practicality than pose value.

But in the end there's one big problem that'd stop me buying one: Skoda's Yeti, which can't match the MINI brand's catchet but makes up for it by being better almost everywhere else, particularly where driving, practicality and value for money are concerned. If you really want driving fun for all the family, buy one of those.

Weirdly, if you want the most MINI for your money, you're better off sticking with the smaller ones.

As published in The Champion on November 17, 2010

And the new arrival is...

RELAX. It's a Rover.

The long-gone Longbridge concern's old ad slogan couldn't have rung more true the first time I gave the latest arrival on the Life On Cars fleet its first proper run, heading for home up the M57. Sporty this £300, 1995 Rover 214 isn't, despite it coming in a rather fetching shade of British Racing Green. If there's one word to sum up this icon of Hyacinth Bucket motoring it's... comfortable.

Thanks to it being winter I've only actually driven it in the dark so far, hence the car you see above not being the exact one sat outside, but already it's impressing me with its plush trimmings and soothing suspension. I like the tasteful - if restrained - styling, both inside and out, and the way the revvy Rover K-Series engine seems to mate perfectly with the Honda heritage in the engineering. I like the half-leather seats and the (plastic) wood trimming, and the way it comes loaded with things like electric windows and an immobiliser that works. And my mates love the fact that - for the first time ever - I'm driving something with five doors!

Where the Renault, with its flyweight engineering and suspiciously powerful engine, was a hot hatch in disguise, the regal old Rover's much more grown up, but there's lots to like about it. On wet, nasty November nights, it's nice to step into something that soothes your brow as you head home.

I'm so relaxed, in fact, that I haven't even bothered to ask the obvious questions yet. Is the notoriously fickle K-Series engine going to blow a head gasket? Are the strangely solid-looking sills hiding a lifetime of rot? And - most worryingly - is my choice of a Rover as my latest purchase meaning I'm about to prematurely celebrate my fiftieth birthday?

All, I'm sure, will be revealed in the coming weeks.

UPDATE: No more reading the manual for me, thanks to a Top Gear tuition video in all things Rover 200! Cue a very 1989 looking Chris Goffey...

Au revoir, Renault 5!

A MOMENT'S reflection for the most reliable car I've ever owned, which finally reached the end of the road today.

Regular readers might remember how excited I got when I paid just £100 - the price of a first class rail ticket - for a Renault 5 earlier this year. Since then it's been as far north as Dumfries, as far south as London and along some of the country's most challenging roads in between, and in 11 months and just two oil changes it has never broken down.

Unfortunately, even two weekends' worth of welding wasn't enough to stop it failing its MOT earlier this week, and the news was far worse than I'd feared. To repair the rot beneath the front wings would take weeks and cost far more than the old girl's worth, so after 16 years and 123,000 miles it's finally reached the end of its working life. As sad it seems, she's off to the scrapyard.

I won't miss the clattery old engine or spartan interior but I already miss lots of things about it, including its ridiculously spacious interior and its surprisingly sporty handling. But most of all I'll miss it as a bargain buy; £100 for almost a year's worth of malady-free motoring is going to be hard to beat.

Not that it won't stop me trying, of course, and today I've been down to Liverpool to draft in its replacement.

I won't reveal exactly what the newest Life On Cars bargain basement car is but I will reveal some tantalising clues; it's a hatchback with a bigger boot than the tiny Renault's, it's got five doors rather than three, it's packed with Japanese technology but it's been proudly made in a British factory.

Oh, and it cost just £300, meaning I can now climb up the ladder into the opulent world of immobilisers, electric windows and half leather seats. All will be revealed tomorrow...

Morgan's 1920s three wheeler is the perfect car for 2011

MORGANS. You either get them, or you don't.

Why, when you can get your sports car thrills from a poised Porsche Boxster or BMW Z4, would you want a car crafted from wood by chaps in the Malvern Hills, topped off with a Thirties throwback body and lashings of chrome? Well, I would for starters.

I was lucky enough to drive one last year, and I loved the utterly alive steering feel, the grunt of the exahust note and the evocative view down the bonnet, and it seems, given the length of the firm's waiting list, that so do lots of you. But to condemn the century-old carmaker as a company which just forgot to take its older models out of production is to dismiss what I reckon could be one of next year's most exciting driving experiences.

As much as I love the evocative idea of Morgan's factory being a glorified garden shed full of plucky British craftsmen nailing old cars together over a cup of tea amid a mist of timbery smells, I know the reality's a lot more space-age than that.

They've not only developed the LifeCar, which blends state of the art aerodynamics with trendy hybrid technology, but also equip their more expensive models not with any old engines, but sophisticated BMW Motorsport powerhouses designed by white-coated scientists in Germany.

But it's their decision to take their oldest design of all - the three-wheeler from the Twenties - and put it back into production that I'm most looking forward to, because when it does go on sale next year it will be the world's wackiest take on making smaller, greener cars.

The aptly named Morgan Threewheeler will weigh half a ton and will keep Greenpeace happy because it has a 1.8 litre motorbike engine, but more importantly it'll look and drive unlike any other car on the market. It's a car that looks like a cross between a Sopwith Camel and a vintage Grand Prix racer, minus a back wheel.

Stirling Moss, who owned one of the originals, said his was “a great babe magnet”. I rest my case.

Fire up the... Renault Wind

RENAULT'S decidely dinky little two-seater isn't a Wind so much as a breath of fresh air.

The company's choice to take its Twingo city car, chop off the top and replace it with a folding metal roof unlike anything you'll have seen before wasn't exacty something you would have been expecting when they announced the new arrival earlier this year, but it does offer the ideal option for cabriolet fans daring to try something different.

Not only is it suitably more stylish than the urban runabout it's based on, but it also looks unlike any of the other open-tops on offer for less than £20,000, thanks largely to a folding metal roof that's rather different to its rivals.

Taking an idea last tried by Ferrari, the roof doesn't dissapear into the boot, but instead sits on top of it, meaning that whether you're travelling al fresco or not you'll always get the same 270 litres' worth of space for your shopping. It's not only a clever USP, but it means the Renault isn't blessed with the frumpy proportions of its Coupe-Cabriolet competitors.

You'll also like the cute proportions and the way the hidden door handles help to keep the Wind's lines clean, but you probably won't be as pleased with the interior, which is livelier than the Twingo thanks to its leather seats but still looks more obviously plastic than the likes of Peugeot's 207CC, another French flyer for a similar price.

Out on the road the 133bhp powerplant - swiped straight from the Renaultsport Twingo - is lively enough, producing a sweet sound, but it's obvious it doesn't have the same get up and go as its hard-top cousin, largely due to the common cabriolet problem of having to carry extra weight, dulling the performance.

But chances are you aren't going to mind, because what it does is take on the mantle of the old MGF by blending distinctive looks, sporty if not spectacular handling and an undeniable fun factor, which should mean that come next summer there'll be plenty speeding away from the company's showrooms.

It's not the sharpest open-top for the money but for something which sets its stall out not as a sports car but as a cabrio with a difference, it's as invigorating as the breeze in your hair.

As published in The Champion on November 3, 2010

Licensed to thrill

FOUND a spare £3 million stashed somewhere behind your sofa? If you're planning on blowing it on the world's most famous car, you've missed your chance.

The Aston Martin DB5 used by Sean Connery to chat up girls in Goldfinger and Thunderball has just been flogged off at auction for a cool £2,912,000, and word is it's off to Ohio to become the centrepiece of a privately-owned collection there. So it means another iconic bit of our movie-making heritage is being shipped away from British shores.

Don't worry though, because if you do what I've just done and pay a visit to the picturesque town of Keswick, you can clock not one, but two spot-the-difference DB5s sat in museums up there. Anyone who's ever been up to the Lakes on a rainy day is probably already familiar with the one sat in the town's Cars of The Stars Museum, but it's the much newer Bond Museum, a ten minute walk to the other side of the town, that's really worth the visit. If you've ever seen a Bond film - and I know of only one person who hasn't - it's an absolute gem.

Obviously you get a silver DB5 thrown in - it is THE James Bond car - but you also get to see the aquatic Lotus Esprit once used to transport Roger Moore's eyebrows around, the invisible Aston from Die Another Day (although this particular gadget wasn't working that day) and just about every other prop Pinewood Studios had lying around.

But my own particular favourite had to be the actual car used to escape from some annoyed Czech police officers in The Living Daylights, even though I was convinced it'd been blown up as part of the car chase across a frozen lake. It is the real star from my favourite Bond film of all, even though Timothy Dalton was also the best actor to play Bond. There, I said it.

Whether you're a petrolhead or not, if you've ever enjoyed any James Bond film you're going to love this museum, which is well worth the visit on your next walking holiday in the Lakes.

Complaints from Sean Connery fans to the usual address, please.

Mountains, museums and motors

AT one point, on a particularly gridlocked M6 near Lancaster, I actually thought going on another driving adventure was a bad idea.

Some of you might have spotted something I'd planned called The Mountains and Museums Run, which had it not got cancelled thanks to no promotion whatsoever, would have last weekend been the first ever Life On Cars event. It got shelved because most of the classic car nuts (rightly) decided that October's just too wet and wild to take their pride and joy out, but - given that I'd booked a few days off - a few mates and I decided to go anyway.

Designed to be done in just two days, it's a cracking route through the countryside, taking in two counties, two National Parks, three motoring museums and one pub with very tall ambitions. More importantly, it mixes some of Britain's most demanding roads, including the Buttertubs and Kirkstone mountain passes - to make the motoring extra memorable.

With the Mini long gone and the MGB nowhere near ready, it fell to the £100 Renault 5 to get me to the fells, and as soon as I got there it became instantly obvious that it was far faster than either of the two Minis my mates had brought along. For a car I bought originally as something to keep me moving while my own Mini was in winter hibernation earlier this year; it's really grown on me despite the dowdy styling. As well as being endlessly reliably, it's got far more poise and precision than any 1.4 hatchback really ought to!

What I did learn from my lessons in the Lakes? Firstly, that The Mountains and Museums Run can be done in less than two days with stops at Cars of the Stars, The Bond Museum and the Lakeland Motor Museum to spare. The route's here in all its glory, if you fancy giving it a go yourself, but I am planning on doing it as a proper event, when the weather's better, sometime next year.

But more importantly I've reminded myself that it doesn't really matter what you're behind the wheel of (though it helps), as long as you've got a group of mates behind you and a few miles of challenging mountain passes ahead. You might have to put up with a few gridlocked motorways on the way there, but it's worth it.

The smiles are back.

Fire up the... Suzuki Swift

UNDERESTIMATE this innocuous-looking little scamp at your own peril, because for all its supermarket-run styling Suzuki's Swift is the unlikely driving hit of the year.

You might struggle to spot the difference between this and the outgoing Suzuki supermini - thanks to the mildest of aesthetic updates, the two do look VERY similar - but the slightly frumpier proportions and the larger lights let you know this is the latest in a long line of small cars from the Japanese company. Whisper it quietly, but I actually preferred looking at its predecessor!

Part of the new look is a boot lip that's unusually higher than its small car rivals, which shouldn't bother the trendy younger buyers it's aimed at but could prove a problem if you're a pensioner struggling to lift a week's worth of shopping into the boot. It doesn't give off the same feeling of quality as Ford's Fiesta either; don't worry, the Swift's screwed together superbly, but it just doesn't show it off in the same way.

But put all that behind you and give it a go anyway, because on the road the Swift is far more fun than you'd ever expect it to be. It's balletic rather than ballistic and relies more on its finely-balanced suspension than its 1.2 litre engine to put a smile on your face, but the charming rasp from the exhaust and the wonderfully communicative steering egg you on into every corner.

One of the best things about is its flick-of-the-wrist gearchange, easily the most enjoyable of any car this side of Mazda's MX-5. Admittedly, the feel of the gearchange isn't going to be high up your list of priorities when you're looking for your next new car, but the difference between a duff one and something as smooth and rifle quick as this one can completely change the feeling from behind the wheel.

Amazingly, it's very nearly as much fun to drive as Citroen's DS3, a much more powerful motor costing almost twice the price.

Get past your small car prejudices and there's a hot hatch hit screaming to get out of the little Swift, and you'd be an idiot to overlook it.

As published in The Champion on October 28, 2010

A fond farewell

SO that's it then. After almost two years and a string of anecdotal incidents, the Mini is gone.

Even now, more than two days after I finally sold my very first motor, I'm still getting calls from Champion readers, who I'm having to disappoint because they're now among the hoardes of hopefuls who haven't just bought a bargain starter classic. In the end, the first person who saw the 1983 Mayfair offered me the right price - in cash - for it, and as you read this it'll be sat solemnly somewhere in Skelmersdale.

Why did I do it? Because the Mini - well, that particular Mini - is a very hands-on kind of car, which rewards fastidious sorts of people who like to fiddle and fettle with it constantly. I'm a petrolhead not because I enjoy messing and mending with motors but because I enjoy driving, and I struggle to see the point of a car, even one as good as a Mini, if it spends more time with its tyres in the air than tearing up the tarmac.

Naturally, I've been told by my mates at Mini Southport and Ormskirk District that I've got to get another example of the 51-year-old design classic, and I will...eventually. But to fill the oil-stained space the Mayfair's left it'll have to be a Cooper in Britpop spec (red, white stripes, Union Flag roof) and much, much better condition.

My own Mini was like Friends - endlessly entertaining, but littered with unfortunate incidents everyone laughs at it but aren't funny for the people involved. I'll never forget The One With The Ten Hour Breakdown Recovery, The One With The Annoyed North Wales Police Officers, The One With The Overheated Engine or even the one Mini adventure I still get asked about more than any other... The One Where The Wheel Fell Off.

The Renault 5 which usually comes to my rescue, conversely, cost a quarter what I paid for the Mini originally and has never broken down. So rather than face the battle of trying to repair a car that's rusting away faster than my long-suffering friends can repair it, I decided to sell it to a proper classic car fan, someone who enjoys that sort of suffering because they call it "a project".

Naturally, the sensible thing to do now would be save the money up, spend it on something like a Honda Jazz and enthuse endlessly about how much more reliable the Japanese machine is compared to the Mini, but that'd be the boring option.

What I've opted to do instead is to invest in an another British-made motor with a slightly suspect reliability record, because it's my classic car project.

Damn...

When three doesn't go into one

THIS time tomorrow, I could be completely car-less.

Admitting you own not one, but three cars, isn’t the status symbol it sounds like if you’re actually relatively poor, a problem made worse by the fact most of whatever you earn is almost immediately transferred to the cash registers of Halfords and PartCo. Certainly, arranging to restore one, sell another and MOT a third in the same week is naïve bordering on stupid.

Eagle-eyed readers of tomorrow’s Champion might spot the following hiding in the Classifieds section, which is how this week's agony of owning three old cars at once began:

A reg - 1983
Classic Mini Mayfair Automatic
As featured regularly in The Champion’s “Life On Cars” column. MOT Jan 2011, tax Mar 11, needs minor repairs, just 33,000 miles
£800 ono
07581 343476

Yep, I’ve decided, after no end of deliberation, to sell the Life On Cars Mini, meaning it’s available to anyone looking for a cheap starter classic provided they’re not afraid to use a spanner. It’s not going to make me terribly popular but precisely because I am afraid to use a spanner and because I’ve had my two years of fun with it, it’s time someone gave it a better home.

In true Mini tradition, it’s decided to reward me by breaking down just before the ad appears, so it not only needs a speedo cable, a choke, a rocker cover gasket and at least two new body panels, but it now won’t start at all.

The MGB, the bargain sports car I bought back in the summer, is in much better nick and just needs the spot of Quantative Easing selling the Mini is going to allow for, but as you read this it’s hidden away in a garage, untaxed, uninsured, and waiting on a shipload of shiny parts before it can rip up the country lanes of Lancashire again in anger. It’ll be fantastic to drive. This Christmas.

All of which leaves the £100 Renault 5, which despite being given no attention whatsoever has ploughed on faultlessly through all weathers, never once complaining that mileage-wise it’s been around the fattest part of the Earth four times.

But that’s due in for an MOT tomorrow and - despite being faultless everywhere else - there’s one patch of problem corrosion which my expert mechanic mate reckons will almost certainly cause it to fail, leaving me with the prospect of owning an MGB that isn’t finished yet, a Renault that isn’t roadworthy and a Mini that’s either broken or in the hands of a lucky new owner.

Last time I risked this situation Peugeot came to my rescue by letting me road test a cabriolet I wasn’t expecting, but the chances of finding a 308CC outside The Champion offices tomorrow are slim to non-existent, largely because I haven’t asked to test anything.

I fear next week’s road test could be called Fire Up The…Bus.

UPDATE, OCTOBER 20: News from a mate in the world of MOTs reveals the Renault’s patch of corrosion would have meant it failing, so it’s been pulled out of the test at the last minute.

Had two calls already from Champion readers about the Mini, a car which burst into life last night but is now back to square one because the chilly weather this morning did mean things to its battery.

Am now faced with one car that’s roadworthy but only until November 6, another that’s (still) broken and (still) up for sale, and an MGB which isn’t finished yet.

Commuted to The Champion office by bus.

UPDATE, OCTOBER 21: The Life On Cars Mini has been sold! More information when I've got over being gutted to see it go...

Hybrid Theory

NEWS that Toyota's Prius is ten years old this week got me onto one of the fundamental questions of motoring. Are cars evolving as fast as we are?

Think about it; a decade ago we were a fairly primitive species, doing all our business through a dial-up Internet connection and getting confused over who the next US President was because some pensioners in Florida couldn't fill in a piece of paper properly. Since then we might have suffered seeing something called Jedward being given a record deal, but otherwise the world has come on in leaps and bounds.

I no longer have to text my mates because I can just Facebook them instead, my favourite TV shows are but a click on iPlayer away, and I can do it all on something called an iPad, which is about the same size as a chopping board. Certainly, when I come across a breaking story at The Champion I'm now faced with the same dilemma; write it or Tweet it?

But cars, even ones as sophisticated as the Prius, are still largely the same, despite gaining a USB socket here and there. All of them - hybrids included - still run on the basic principle of burning things that died millions of years ago, and if you showed even the snazziest car interior to your average Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg they'd laugh openly at its humble stereo and lack of social networking. Then they'd probably set up a group on Facebook to encourage everyone else to do likewise.

I've got this theory that if you somehow stole Doc Brown's Delorean from the Hollywood warehouse it's undoubtedly hidden in (I know the original got destroyed, but Hollywood has spares of everything) and transported an iPad or a Kindle back to October 2000 in it, our not-so-distant ancestors would gasp in amazement. But send them details of even the most modern Prius and they'd yawn, because it looks pretty much the same as the one you bought back then.

I fear the answer I'm actually looking for could kill off this column once and for all, because - despite Google themselves taking on the challenge of developing the driverless car - the Facebook future may not involve motoring at all.

In October 2000 you could use Concorde to get something between London and New York in less than three hours, but now there's no need because you can do the same - virtually - in several seconds.

Are cars evolving as fast as we are? If it means not consigning the likes of Jaguar's exciting new CX-75 to museums prematurely, I'd hope so.

P.S: Hybrid Theory, in case you're wondering, was a hit album which just happened to be released in October 2000. I spent ages thinking that pun up...