BMW engines that go bump in the night

MIDNIGHT, just outside Cologne.

It's the later side of late and - having landed less than half an hour earlier at Cologne-Bonn Airport, all that's on my mind is reaching my destination as quickly as possible and catching up on some much-needed shut-eye. Luckily, I have the back seat of a BMW 5-Series Touring, a derestricted autobahn and a driver who knows how to make the best of both. The smooth, smart and devastatingly quick way to head for your German home from home.

Or rather it would have been had the Munich machine's temperature gauge not suddenly shot up and steam not started swirling out from beneath its bonnet, miles from anywhere. I don't know much German, but it doesn't take a master linguist to work out what the driver's instant analysis meant. "Auto kaput"...

As we stood in the darkness, perched on the hard shoulder of what basically is Germany's equivalent of the M1, I looked at the sorry-looking executive express and reflected on all the times my own motors had left me stranded in similar situations. The time the otherwise unremarkably reliable Rover, for instance, mysteriously cut out for no obvious reason at all. Or the one where my Mini decided to shed a wheel at 40mph. Or the one where my Mazda broke its propshaft - or rather, I sort of broke it.

In the end, it ended far more smoothly than any of us might have imagined - within half an hour the Beemer was on the back of a truck dispatched by ADAC, Germany's answer to the AA, and we were back on track, headed for our destination. What a destination it was!

The place chosen to mend the unhappy estate wasn't just any mechanic's workplace - it was an oldtimer garage, or classic car specialist in Petrolhead English. Even in the half light of the silly hours of the morning I could see it was packed with classics in near concours condition, with everything from Alfa Giulias and Giuliettas to Fiat 124 Spiders, homegrown favourites like the Volkswagen Beetle and a BMW 2002, and a right-hand-drive V12 E-Type with a curious mix of local German plates and dials still set to miles - rather than kilometres - an hour.

In the space of an hour I'd seen two very different extremes of German motoring, and finally made it to bed at about 2am shattered but surprisingly enlightened for the experience.

It just goes to show you not all of those clichés about German reliability are true...

Bella Maserati!

AS PROMISED, some pictures of a gathering of old Maseratis I managed to gatecrash on my trip to Germany last week.


Proof that - away from the inevitable old Porsches, Mercedes and Volkswagens - there are clearly some Italian GT connoisseurs living just outside Cologne.



In a pub car park just outside the picturesque Schloss Burg castle, near to the city of Solingen, German supercar lovers could clock everything from the gorgeous Ghibli, the mid-engined Merak, the angular Biturbo and a modern Maserarti in the shape of the latest Quattroporte saloon.


I'll take a Ghibl and a Merak SS, please...

Currywurst and cars, but no Clarkson

I'D like to tell you about all the exciting automotive developments in the north west this week, but I can't because I'm in Germany.

Here I have been blasted down the autobahn at speeds which in the UK would be very illegal, I've seen many mouthwatering motors which have clearly had kots of love lavished on them by their owners and - best of all - I managed to gatecrash a gathering of gorgeous old Maseratis earlier today (more on this soon - stay tuned). Germany, clearly, has a lot of petrolheads.

But they don't have my favourite motoring TV show, which is on the airwaves back in Blighty and I'm knowingly missing out on.

Some say that it's never far from controversy, and that it could only ever be presented by three opionated, middle-aged men.

All I know is it's called Top Gear.

Life On Cars writer David Simister is currently overdoing it on the currywurst, but normal, British-based service will resume tomorrow (July 17).

More true grit from the Germans

THE radio news bulletin in the car on the way into Solingen was entirely in German, but I knew it was about the snowy conditions. I understood just two words; “London Heathrow”.

What you see above is a residential street in downtown Solingen, a German city where I'm currently on holiday, in the middle of the same snowy winter we Brits are going through. Don't be fooled by the massive mounds of the white stuff surrounding the parked cars; both the roads and the pavements have not only been gritted, but cleared as well. Something we don't seem to be able to manage in Sefton or West Lancashire.


When it snows in Germany the roads are cleared, the pavements gritted and shoppers put their gloves on and carry on. In Britain the public transport system is paralysed, entire airports shut down, cars crash on icy roads and pensioners slip on the frozen pavements. It’s bizarre, but we Brits as a nation just can’t cope with snow!

Last year I saw first hand how the entire region was caught out by an unusually high amount of snow. Searching questions were asked of the Government and the local councils, who promised that the scenario where entire towns were left ungritted wouldn’t happen again. It just has!

In England I’ve seen buses and trains cancelled, roads which look more like ice rinks, and even milk deliveries being carried out by tractor. Here, the most dramatic things I've seen are a Smart buried nose-deep into the snow, and a very elderly Citroen 2CV going about its business on snow chains.

The way everyone in Germany gets the roads cleared and just carries on, completely unfazed, never ceases to amaze me.

Compared to the chaos we’ve got, the Germans don’t know how lucky they are.

True grit, German style

BLIZZARDS giving Britain's roads a battering is snow joke but it seems our continental neighbours have been having the last laugh throughout the big freeze.

I've just got back from a New Year's party in Solingen, near Cologne, and I'm amazed that while our German friends have had to cope with just as much snow as we have, they've just gritted their teeth and got on with life.

That's right, no tabloid-style ROAD CHAOS whatsoever, and not a single story of cancelled buses, councils warning they're running low on supplies, or multiple car pile-ups on the autobahns. In fact, mein host just got into his BMW, backed out onto a stunningly snow-free road, and floored it. No drama whatsoever.

I love the German attitude to motoring, which dictates that every motorway, regional route and town thorougfare must be kept completely spotless at all times, even if it's minus 16 outside and snowing the sort of snow which causes politicians to go all frosty. I'd be lying if I said every Wolfgang and his dog were out powersliding Porsche Caymans, but at least people were still getting to work.

Even the pavements got the gritting treatment; it seems an alien idea in Britain but if Uwe slips on snow outside your house, he can call in the lawyers and have you sued. So it's a second nature to buy your own grit, keep it handy when things get icy, and keep the German equivalent of Claims Direct at bay.

I've been lucky enough not to get behind the wheel of anything during the worst of the winter weather but I know if I did, I'd rather be piloting something on roads that haven't been turned into ice rinks. Even if it's a rear wheel drive executive express that's doing a completely legal 120mph.

Given it was New Year's I was expecting a little too much Currywurst and continental ale but the real holiday was from the chaos a bit of snow had plunged panicky Brits into.

I don't think it's a case of there being wildly political failings over here, but that over there they just know more about coping when things get slippy. They did give us the Audi Quattro, after all.