My Bad Romance with historic vehicle tax

TODAY I'd like to begin a column covering all matters motoring with Lady Gaga. An unlikely icon of our times.

Weird and wonderful in almost every measure, Miss Poker Face wears dresses made from meat, makes bizarre statements in the pages of Heat magazine, and sings songs about the joys of getting utterly smashed after drinking a tad too much red wine. But she's not yet been invited into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, whereas Madonna has.

All of which brings me neatly onto my MGB, which the DLVA are currently reclassifying as an historic vehicle, meaning the amount of road tax I have to pay is nothing. The Government quite rightly agree that cars like mine are icons of the automotive world, and because they make our roads a prettier place they're happy to allow them a tax break.

But you'll still have to stump up to run the equally worthy Mazda MX-5, Ford Escort Cosworth and Ferrari F40 because they were made after the Government's cut off point for classic cars, which is January 1, 1973, meaning that like Lady Gaga they're arguably iconic but not in a way that's accepted in any vaguely official way.

There's also a mountain of miserable motors made before 1973 that arguably aren't exciting enough to warrant free road tax - you might not remember the Hillman Avenger, but if you do you'll know it's so ugly and desperately unattractive it can't possibly be considered a classic. Designating it an Historic Vehicle is about as stupid as slapping on an Historic Market Town sign in front of Milton Keynes.

Clearly, what we need is a new organisation which can decide up ‘n' coming classics on a case-by-case basis, and clear up once and for all that the Lotus Elise, for instance, is a classic car and the Hillman Avenger isn't. Ideally, it'd be led by

Top Gear's James May - a man we can trust with the noble task of overseeing the nation's classic cars - and guided by advice from Stirling Moss, petrolhead turned TV funnyman Steve Coogan and at least one person who works for Autocar. Trust me, it's a much better system than the one we've got now!

Don't hold your breath though...

Nissan Leaf is European Car of the Year 2011

FOR a change I actually agree with fellow Champ columnist Jim Sharpe, of One Man and His Dog fame. Because, judging by this latest evidence, the tree huggers and greenies have won.

In order for the Nissan Leaf to be chosen as this year's European Car of the Year the judges, who are expert road testers from across Europe and therefore know far more about cars than I do, had to do something spectacular. They had to overlook the sporty Citroen DS3, the quirky Dacia Duster, the fun and frugal Vauxhall Meriva, the stylish Volvo V60 and S60, the spacious Ford C-Max and the gorgeous Alfa Giuletta.... and choose an electric hatchback costing £23,000 as their winner.

Regular readers might remember that last year I disagreed with the experts' opinion that the Volkswagen Polo, a worthy-but-dull supermini, was better than the radically packaged and intruiging little Toyota IQ, but this year really is proof that the official contest is a waste of time. For anyone who thinks this moment of madness is a one-off I refer you to the Talbot Horizon and Renault 9, which weren't particularly worthy winners either.

The Leaf might be built in Britain and boast of a greener, cleaner automotive future, but it's still a car which asks you to stump up the price of a Golf GTi for something which can't get you to Glasgow for that all important meeting because it'll run out of battery power and has all the visual appeal of a piece of lettuce.

I admire Nissan for at least trying to solve the problem of global warming, but the Leaf is a spectacularly stupid car.

Worry not, though, because Life On Cars' own Car of the Year award is on the way soon, and the Leaf isn't anywhere near the shortlist of cracking cars launched in the past year.

A Car of the Year special of the Life On Cars Magazine will be published next month.

The nightmare of new police car regulations

LAST night I got pulled by the law for motoring offences. I just can't remember which ones because it was part of a slightly strange nightmare.

After a night eating strange and exotic new foods and getting reacquainted with the joys of a particularly enjoyable single malt I'd gone to bed and somehow, via the Land of Nod, ended up giving someone a lift in my MGB GT. Normally, I'd know this is impossible because it's a restoration project still several months away from its finished state, but because it was a dream it was completely and utterly believable. The good news is that, even if you're only driving it in a dream, it looks and sounds the business.

Unfortunately, a police officer parked up in marked BMW X5 clocked that it wasn't finished, pulled me over and booked me for offences I can't remember, and because this was a dream he also bypassed the boring business of taking me to court, swiping my driving licence off me there and then. Months of classic car motoring swiped from me.... and all because I'd eaten some scallops for supper. Luckily, that's when I woke up.

Surreal as it sounds, I'm worried it could inadvertently come true, because thanks to new agreements affecting the region's police forces being brought in, making the prospect of being pulled by a policeman in an X5 worryingly possible. Under the National Policing Improvement Agency's new arrangements, BMW's biggest off-roader, unfortunately, is one of a small choice of 4x4s on offer to the nation's 54 forces.

It's all part of plans to chop the choice on offer to all of Britain's police forces - including Merseyside Police and Lancashire Constabulary - by agreeing a set list of motor makers to provide the vehicles. The David Cameron in me ought to be praising the fact it's going to save more than £3m and luckily the choice is still large enough to prevent you being able to pick out the unmarked cars, but from a petrolhead point of view it's a crying shame, as it'll almost certainly mark the end of being pulled over by something memorable.

The Krays, for instance, could count on being pulled over by anything from an MG soft top sports car, through Lotus Cortinas and even going up to their criminal chariot of choice, the Jaguar MK2. The real Gene Hunts of the Seventies and Eighties could have booked crooks in Capris, Sunbeam Lotuses and Rover SD1s.

These days, though, you can forget any thoughts of being pulled over by an Alfa, Chrysler, or Lexus to name but three, because they're not on the list. But BMW's cars - including the X5 - are, so I can't rule out my nightmare of being pulled in my cherished classic turning true.

Alternatively, I could just try going to sleep on an empty stomach.

P.S: I know the police car pictured above is not a BMW X5, before any particular readers point it out...

Fire up the... Lexus IS-F

THIS car's closest rival, believe it or not, is Liverpool Airport.

I say because the easiest and cheapest way to experience the epic acceleration of Lexus' IS-F, the company's first ever supersaloon, is to check in for the next flight from John Lennon, strap yourself into an Easyjet Boeing 737, and remind yourself of the way it rockets down the runway as it takes off. Japan's answer to the BMW M3 is a master of that same sort of relentless acceleration.

Thanks to a 414bhp, 5.0 litre V8 engine nestling under the bonnet of this otherwise sober suited saloon, this Lexus is fast on a level far removed from ordinary British motoring, making it wickedly intoxicating and effortlessly illegal at the same time.

It's as easy to drive as anything else from the firm's showrooms, being smooth and quiet on country roads and a doddle through built up areas, but mash your right foot into the floor and you might as well be on the next flight to Malaga.

Even overtaking, this car's party piece, can get you into trouble if you don't watch your speed, because even split second bursts will propel you well over the speed limit, although as a conselation you're treated to an American muscle car soundtrack as you do it!

My only real criticism is that it's neither as outlandish as BMW's M3 or Jaguar's XFR - a saloon with this much potency might as well look the part - and that the interior, well built and sumptuously trimmed as it is, isn't particularly inspiring either.

In my heart of hearts I know that a £57,000 Lexus that gets from nought to 60mph in less than five seconds before powering on to a top speed of almost 170mph is completely irrelevant in an age of austerity and Government cost-cutting, and that really I should be pointing you in the direction of one of the firm's eco-friendly hybrid models instead.

But you just can't help loving this Lexus.

As published in The Champion on December 1, 2010

Audi's RS badge is back!

THE badge reserved for Audi's most fearsome models is back - but this time it's on one of the smallest cars the company sells.

Following in the footsteps of the RS4 and RS6 saloons and RS5 and TT RS comes the blistering RS3, which is based on the normal Audi A3 hatchback but packs a 340bhp punch to help it take on ever more powerful rivals from the likes of Ford and BMW.

Audi says that by taking the same five-cylinder engine and four-wheel-drive system as the TT RS the new arrival makes plenty of nods to the iconic Quattro of the 1980s, and should get from nought to sixty in a shotgun 4.6 seconds.

The RS3 arrives in showrooms next spring with a £39,000 pricetag, although you can order it from next month.

No word yet on whether they're planning an RS1 though.

Land Rover vs council gritting teams

DON'T worry about winter getting a bit nasty this year. Providing you've got at least £19,775 to spare you'll be absolutely fine.

That's what Land Rover, Britain's longest established maker of off-roaders, reckoned in its latest full page advert in the nationals, which instead of a car showed shots of snowy scenes from earlier this year. The cost of staying on top of the next Big Freeze, the company reckons, is the entry-level price for the Defender. Convenient or what?

As a longtime lover of all things Land Rover I'd like to say I couldn't agree more; but unfortunately the chaps at the Solihull factory, I reckon, have got it wrong this time. You shouldn't need to use a Land Rover Defender to drive to work because the roads should have been gritted by your friendly, cash-strapped local council. It's a crazy idea, but it might just work.

Even when the roads were at their snowiest, slippiest point during last year's particularly cold snap, there was nothing a bit of carefully-used throttle and a dab of opposite lock steering couldn't solve. I actually developed my snow driving to the point where I was actually enjoyed the daily skid into work, but in most cases all but the quietest roads had actually been gritted long before I'd woken up each morning.

What's more, Lancashire County Council in particular have said they've learned their lessons from last year and are already prepared with a third more grit this time, so I suspect the need to pop out to your friendly local Land Rover showroom won't be quite as pressing as last winter.

Anyone who's seen any of the Land Rovers or Range Rovers I used to get ferried to school in will know I've nothing against them; they are charismatic, capable and genuinely useful things to have around, but chances are you'll only genuinely need one if you're venturing off the beaten track.

If you're not, I'm actually going to suggest you spend a small fraction of what a Defender costs by showing true grit....and buying grit instead.

Life On Cars Magazine, Issue Two

IT'S BACK, by popular demand!

Lots of you said you enjoyed Life On Cars in handy magazine form when the original issue got published way back in July, as a sort of birthday treat for the blog you're reading reaching its first birthday.

In the end, I decided to do a follow up because there's been so much going on in the motoring world, and with the return of Dune FM's Live From Studio One yet to be announced it could be a while before there's any more radio broadcasts.

But along with some stuff you'll already be familiar with, there's also a couple of pieces you won't have read yet, including a media man's perspective of The Stig identity story which gripped the tabloids not so long ago, and a guide to the LA Auto Show, taking place this week.

Read it, enjoy it, and let me know what you think, and hopefully you'll enjoy reading through it as much as I've enjoyed making it.

Will there be a third? Watch this space...

Open publication - Free publishing - More motors

The mystery of the Skover pickup

FORGET Nessie or the Beast of Bodmin Moor. Stranger things have happened, as one Life On Cars reader has found out!

Jamie Frew sent in this picture of the strange cross-breed he spotted in a dark supermarket car park somewhere near Glasgow, which appears to splice the genes of the Rover 200 I bought earlier this month with the early Nineties efforts of a certain Czech car maker. It's the Skover Felicia... I think.

I love the idea that a cash-strapped Rover Group would have gone knocking on Skoda's door with a cheque for the Czechs, in return for a tarted-up pickup truck which could have been sold alongside Metros and MGFs. It is badge engineering at its cheapest, simplest level.

Oh alright, I'll come clean; it's a Skoda Felicia Pickup, which someone thought they could improve by removing all the original badging and replacing with Rover wheels and radiator grille. The idea, I take it, was to take away the outdated connotations of cheapness which used to come with Skoda, and replace it with Roverised visions of restraint and refinement.

I'm not entirely sure it's worked...

At least this facelift's better than the Audi Q7

LIKE the American automobiles of old, Life On Cars has just been treated to its annual facelift!

After being innundated with a comment that the blog, which hasn't been properly updated in over a year, was an unremitting sea of blackness, I've gone through the entire thing with an entire toothcomb.

What you're looking at is the result of trying to bring it closer to The Champion colour scheme and just nicer to look at in general, because the general consensus among my petrolhead mates was that it was a good read once you got over the dark, slightly cramped style of its predecessor.

Can't remember what the original looked like? Then click here, and then let me know whether you think I've done a good job of it or not.

Eagle-eyed readers might also spot the "In Print" section subtly added at the top, which does exactly what it says on the tin, giving you the chance to see some of the pieces as they would have appeared in The Champion and GR8Life Magazine.

Stay tuned for the normal motoring musings later this week...

Coming soon...

THE Life On Cars magazine is back!

Well almost, with the most I can reveal at the moment of the upcoming second issue being this preview of the front cover. I can promise, though that the whole thing will be available to read on here later this week.

If you're not familiar with the original issue, which was published to coincide with the first anniversary of Life On Cars back in July, you can read it again in all its glory by clicking here, or by visiting the Magazine section above.

Meanwhile, the website itself is also going to be treated to its annual facelift later this week, to make sure it stays fresh and easy to use as well as being the region's best source of motoring news, reviews and opinions. I can't say much yet about what form it'll take...but I hope you enjoy the finished product.

Watch this space...

What do you know about the DUKW?

A SOUTHPORT man hoping to tell the tale of these mighty vehicles from the resort's past - and he's looking to hear from residents who remember them.

Peter Dyer, of Longacre, told Life On Cars he is working on a book covering the history of the amphibious DUKW vehicles, which were once a common sight along the region's coastline when they were used as rescue vehicles by the Sefton Lifeguards.

“The red and cream DUKWs, workhorses of the Southport and then Sefton Lifeguards, patrolled our shores for nearly four decades,” he explained.

“They were responsible for saving the lives of some 600 people, but started out here as pleasure ride vehicles. Now their story has come full circle, with some of them being used on the Liverpool and London yellow Duck Tours.”

The DUKW, popularly pronounced “duck”, is a six-wheel-drive amphibious truck designed for the American military to use in amphibious attacks during the Second World War, and among other operations was used in the D-Day Landings in 1944.

Mr Dyer is requesting that Champion readers who remember the vehicles should get in touch with him with their stories, along with any additional photos, film footage or information. He is particularly looking for more information about the company Thompson and Doxey Export, which was involved with the vehicles, the use of the Canning Road bus sheds to store them, and any photos from the late 1940s, when they were first introduced.

To get in touch with your stories contact 01704 231685 or by email at peter@peterdyer.wanadoo.co.uk

Fire up the... MINI Countryman

THERE'S a little-known tale from the creation of the new MINI I suddenly remembered while roadtesting the Countryman.

The story goes that just after BMW signed off the reinvention of the British small car classic, they figured that if their smallest car is called a MINI, then logically its eventual bigger brother should be christened the MAXI. Only when they realised British Leyland had already tried - and not entirely successfully - did the idea get quietly dropped.

This, to all extents and purposes, is that car; a MINI that stretches the idea of being minature to its vaguest, fuzziest realms yet. It is MINI made massive, a car that's trying to grow faster than the families spawned by the company's original customers. Don't move out of your MINI and into an MPV just yet, not when you can have the same retro style in a slightly bigger package. That's the idea, anyway.

But the Countryman - cutely named in homage of the Sixties Mini estates - comes across as a turgid take on its smaller and sportier sisters, boasting all the familiar MINI styling cues but in a slightly bloated way. It's the same story on the inside too, with an interior that blends its use of colours and materials well but comes across as chintzy in some of the fussier details, particularly the pizza-sized speedometer surrouding the stereo.

Out on the road it handles impressively for something its size, with a smooth feel through the brakes and suspension, but it feels almost unrelated to the sprightly MINI hatchbacks, with the fun factor strangely absent.

Where it does impress is not the packaging but the dressing, with the retro touches like the cool rocker switches on the dashboard being familiar to MINI moguls, but almost unheard of among rivals like Ford's Kuga and Nissan's Quashqai, which focus more on practicality than pose value.

But in the end there's one big problem that'd stop me buying one: Skoda's Yeti, which can't match the MINI brand's catchet but makes up for it by being better almost everywhere else, particularly where driving, practicality and value for money are concerned. If you really want driving fun for all the family, buy one of those.

Weirdly, if you want the most MINI for your money, you're better off sticking with the smaller ones.

As published in The Champion on November 17, 2010

And the new arrival is...

RELAX. It's a Rover.

The long-gone Longbridge concern's old ad slogan couldn't have rung more true the first time I gave the latest arrival on the Life On Cars fleet its first proper run, heading for home up the M57. Sporty this £300, 1995 Rover 214 isn't, despite it coming in a rather fetching shade of British Racing Green. If there's one word to sum up this icon of Hyacinth Bucket motoring it's... comfortable.

Thanks to it being winter I've only actually driven it in the dark so far, hence the car you see above not being the exact one sat outside, but already it's impressing me with its plush trimmings and soothing suspension. I like the tasteful - if restrained - styling, both inside and out, and the way the revvy Rover K-Series engine seems to mate perfectly with the Honda heritage in the engineering. I like the half-leather seats and the (plastic) wood trimming, and the way it comes loaded with things like electric windows and an immobiliser that works. And my mates love the fact that - for the first time ever - I'm driving something with five doors!

Where the Renault, with its flyweight engineering and suspiciously powerful engine, was a hot hatch in disguise, the regal old Rover's much more grown up, but there's lots to like about it. On wet, nasty November nights, it's nice to step into something that soothes your brow as you head home.

I'm so relaxed, in fact, that I haven't even bothered to ask the obvious questions yet. Is the notoriously fickle K-Series engine going to blow a head gasket? Are the strangely solid-looking sills hiding a lifetime of rot? And - most worryingly - is my choice of a Rover as my latest purchase meaning I'm about to prematurely celebrate my fiftieth birthday?

All, I'm sure, will be revealed in the coming weeks.

UPDATE: No more reading the manual for me, thanks to a Top Gear tuition video in all things Rover 200! Cue a very 1989 looking Chris Goffey...

Au revoir, Renault 5!

A MOMENT'S reflection for the most reliable car I've ever owned, which finally reached the end of the road today.

Regular readers might remember how excited I got when I paid just £100 - the price of a first class rail ticket - for a Renault 5 earlier this year. Since then it's been as far north as Dumfries, as far south as London and along some of the country's most challenging roads in between, and in 11 months and just two oil changes it has never broken down.

Unfortunately, even two weekends' worth of welding wasn't enough to stop it failing its MOT earlier this week, and the news was far worse than I'd feared. To repair the rot beneath the front wings would take weeks and cost far more than the old girl's worth, so after 16 years and 123,000 miles it's finally reached the end of its working life. As sad it seems, she's off to the scrapyard.

I won't miss the clattery old engine or spartan interior but I already miss lots of things about it, including its ridiculously spacious interior and its surprisingly sporty handling. But most of all I'll miss it as a bargain buy; £100 for almost a year's worth of malady-free motoring is going to be hard to beat.

Not that it won't stop me trying, of course, and today I've been down to Liverpool to draft in its replacement.

I won't reveal exactly what the newest Life On Cars bargain basement car is but I will reveal some tantalising clues; it's a hatchback with a bigger boot than the tiny Renault's, it's got five doors rather than three, it's packed with Japanese technology but it's been proudly made in a British factory.

Oh, and it cost just £300, meaning I can now climb up the ladder into the opulent world of immobilisers, electric windows and half leather seats. All will be revealed tomorrow...

Morgan's 1920s three wheeler is the perfect car for 2011

MORGANS. You either get them, or you don't.

Why, when you can get your sports car thrills from a poised Porsche Boxster or BMW Z4, would you want a car crafted from wood by chaps in the Malvern Hills, topped off with a Thirties throwback body and lashings of chrome? Well, I would for starters.

I was lucky enough to drive one last year, and I loved the utterly alive steering feel, the grunt of the exahust note and the evocative view down the bonnet, and it seems, given the length of the firm's waiting list, that so do lots of you. But to condemn the century-old carmaker as a company which just forgot to take its older models out of production is to dismiss what I reckon could be one of next year's most exciting driving experiences.

As much as I love the evocative idea of Morgan's factory being a glorified garden shed full of plucky British craftsmen nailing old cars together over a cup of tea amid a mist of timbery smells, I know the reality's a lot more space-age than that.

They've not only developed the LifeCar, which blends state of the art aerodynamics with trendy hybrid technology, but also equip their more expensive models not with any old engines, but sophisticated BMW Motorsport powerhouses designed by white-coated scientists in Germany.

But it's their decision to take their oldest design of all - the three-wheeler from the Twenties - and put it back into production that I'm most looking forward to, because when it does go on sale next year it will be the world's wackiest take on making smaller, greener cars.

The aptly named Morgan Threewheeler will weigh half a ton and will keep Greenpeace happy because it has a 1.8 litre motorbike engine, but more importantly it'll look and drive unlike any other car on the market. It's a car that looks like a cross between a Sopwith Camel and a vintage Grand Prix racer, minus a back wheel.

Stirling Moss, who owned one of the originals, said his was “a great babe magnet”. I rest my case.

Fire up the... Renault Wind

RENAULT'S decidely dinky little two-seater isn't a Wind so much as a breath of fresh air.

The company's choice to take its Twingo city car, chop off the top and replace it with a folding metal roof unlike anything you'll have seen before wasn't exacty something you would have been expecting when they announced the new arrival earlier this year, but it does offer the ideal option for cabriolet fans daring to try something different.

Not only is it suitably more stylish than the urban runabout it's based on, but it also looks unlike any of the other open-tops on offer for less than £20,000, thanks largely to a folding metal roof that's rather different to its rivals.

Taking an idea last tried by Ferrari, the roof doesn't dissapear into the boot, but instead sits on top of it, meaning that whether you're travelling al fresco or not you'll always get the same 270 litres' worth of space for your shopping. It's not only a clever USP, but it means the Renault isn't blessed with the frumpy proportions of its Coupe-Cabriolet competitors.

You'll also like the cute proportions and the way the hidden door handles help to keep the Wind's lines clean, but you probably won't be as pleased with the interior, which is livelier than the Twingo thanks to its leather seats but still looks more obviously plastic than the likes of Peugeot's 207CC, another French flyer for a similar price.

Out on the road the 133bhp powerplant - swiped straight from the Renaultsport Twingo - is lively enough, producing a sweet sound, but it's obvious it doesn't have the same get up and go as its hard-top cousin, largely due to the common cabriolet problem of having to carry extra weight, dulling the performance.

But chances are you aren't going to mind, because what it does is take on the mantle of the old MGF by blending distinctive looks, sporty if not spectacular handling and an undeniable fun factor, which should mean that come next summer there'll be plenty speeding away from the company's showrooms.

It's not the sharpest open-top for the money but for something which sets its stall out not as a sports car but as a cabrio with a difference, it's as invigorating as the breeze in your hair.

As published in The Champion on November 3, 2010

Licensed to thrill

FOUND a spare £3 million stashed somewhere behind your sofa? If you're planning on blowing it on the world's most famous car, you've missed your chance.

The Aston Martin DB5 used by Sean Connery to chat up girls in Goldfinger and Thunderball has just been flogged off at auction for a cool £2,912,000, and word is it's off to Ohio to become the centrepiece of a privately-owned collection there. So it means another iconic bit of our movie-making heritage is being shipped away from British shores.

Don't worry though, because if you do what I've just done and pay a visit to the picturesque town of Keswick, you can clock not one, but two spot-the-difference DB5s sat in museums up there. Anyone who's ever been up to the Lakes on a rainy day is probably already familiar with the one sat in the town's Cars of The Stars Museum, but it's the much newer Bond Museum, a ten minute walk to the other side of the town, that's really worth the visit. If you've ever seen a Bond film - and I know of only one person who hasn't - it's an absolute gem.

Obviously you get a silver DB5 thrown in - it is THE James Bond car - but you also get to see the aquatic Lotus Esprit once used to transport Roger Moore's eyebrows around, the invisible Aston from Die Another Day (although this particular gadget wasn't working that day) and just about every other prop Pinewood Studios had lying around.

But my own particular favourite had to be the actual car used to escape from some annoyed Czech police officers in The Living Daylights, even though I was convinced it'd been blown up as part of the car chase across a frozen lake. It is the real star from my favourite Bond film of all, even though Timothy Dalton was also the best actor to play Bond. There, I said it.

Whether you're a petrolhead or not, if you've ever enjoyed any James Bond film you're going to love this museum, which is well worth the visit on your next walking holiday in the Lakes.

Complaints from Sean Connery fans to the usual address, please.