Fire up the... Nissan Cube

GET a six-year-old child to scribble a picture of a car for you and chances are their creation would look like something like this.

Nissan's Cube is cute and curious in equal measure, with its deliberately, defiantly boxy stance being the first thing that hits you when you come across it. Paint one red and you're letting yourself in for Postman Pat jokes, but get the colours, wheels and spec right on what's a very Oriental automobile and you'll have an intruigingly different bit of motoring on your hands.

There's no getting around the decidedly high-rise styling - you either love it or hate it, and given that the entire car's named in its honour, it's not going to be changing any time soon. It's particularly sensitive to colours, with pastel shades and white - national colour of Japan, the Cube's home country - being the best bet.

Step inside and it reminds you more of a Tokyo flat than the inside of a car, with more in the way of colour schemes shipped in straight from the Far East, thin, bench-like seats and lots of storage nets, which are not only handy for smaller items but actually lift the ambience of the entire car, adding to the very airy feel created by the expansive window space. With masses of head and legroom, it's about as far removed from the Micra as you can possibly get. You could spend hours marvelling at the ornate netting covering the sunroof in particular, because it honestly looks like the papery walls you imagine line every flat and hotel room in the whole of Japan.

Where it falls down is in the dynamics created by that tall, boxy body, suffering from vague steering and straight-line performance that's nowhere near gutless but not class-leadingly brilliant either, so keen drivers are better advised to look elsewhere. It's still worthy sacrifice to pay for the style and clever packaging, but it's not a car to reward on quiet country roads.

The starting price of £14,000 might put budget-conscious buyers off too, putting it straight into the sight of Volkswagen's Golf and the MINI, but where it scores highly is in providing a car that dares to be different that'll be endlessly reliable.

It's not for everyone but if you're smitten with the style it's well worth a look.

As published in The Champion on December 8, 2010

My Bad Romance with historic vehicle tax

TODAY I'd like to begin a column covering all matters motoring with Lady Gaga. An unlikely icon of our times.

Weird and wonderful in almost every measure, Miss Poker Face wears dresses made from meat, makes bizarre statements in the pages of Heat magazine, and sings songs about the joys of getting utterly smashed after drinking a tad too much red wine. But she's not yet been invited into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, whereas Madonna has.

All of which brings me neatly onto my MGB, which the DLVA are currently reclassifying as an historic vehicle, meaning the amount of road tax I have to pay is nothing. The Government quite rightly agree that cars like mine are icons of the automotive world, and because they make our roads a prettier place they're happy to allow them a tax break.

But you'll still have to stump up to run the equally worthy Mazda MX-5, Ford Escort Cosworth and Ferrari F40 because they were made after the Government's cut off point for classic cars, which is January 1, 1973, meaning that like Lady Gaga they're arguably iconic but not in a way that's accepted in any vaguely official way.

There's also a mountain of miserable motors made before 1973 that arguably aren't exciting enough to warrant free road tax - you might not remember the Hillman Avenger, but if you do you'll know it's so ugly and desperately unattractive it can't possibly be considered a classic. Designating it an Historic Vehicle is about as stupid as slapping on an Historic Market Town sign in front of Milton Keynes.

Clearly, what we need is a new organisation which can decide up ‘n' coming classics on a case-by-case basis, and clear up once and for all that the Lotus Elise, for instance, is a classic car and the Hillman Avenger isn't. Ideally, it'd be led by

Top Gear's James May - a man we can trust with the noble task of overseeing the nation's classic cars - and guided by advice from Stirling Moss, petrolhead turned TV funnyman Steve Coogan and at least one person who works for Autocar. Trust me, it's a much better system than the one we've got now!

Don't hold your breath though...

Nissan Leaf is European Car of the Year 2011

FOR a change I actually agree with fellow Champ columnist Jim Sharpe, of One Man and His Dog fame. Because, judging by this latest evidence, the tree huggers and greenies have won.

In order for the Nissan Leaf to be chosen as this year's European Car of the Year the judges, who are expert road testers from across Europe and therefore know far more about cars than I do, had to do something spectacular. They had to overlook the sporty Citroen DS3, the quirky Dacia Duster, the fun and frugal Vauxhall Meriva, the stylish Volvo V60 and S60, the spacious Ford C-Max and the gorgeous Alfa Giuletta.... and choose an electric hatchback costing £23,000 as their winner.

Regular readers might remember that last year I disagreed with the experts' opinion that the Volkswagen Polo, a worthy-but-dull supermini, was better than the radically packaged and intruiging little Toyota IQ, but this year really is proof that the official contest is a waste of time. For anyone who thinks this moment of madness is a one-off I refer you to the Talbot Horizon and Renault 9, which weren't particularly worthy winners either.

The Leaf might be built in Britain and boast of a greener, cleaner automotive future, but it's still a car which asks you to stump up the price of a Golf GTi for something which can't get you to Glasgow for that all important meeting because it'll run out of battery power and has all the visual appeal of a piece of lettuce.

I admire Nissan for at least trying to solve the problem of global warming, but the Leaf is a spectacularly stupid car.

Worry not, though, because Life On Cars' own Car of the Year award is on the way soon, and the Leaf isn't anywhere near the shortlist of cracking cars launched in the past year.

A Car of the Year special of the Life On Cars Magazine will be published next month.

The nightmare of new police car regulations

LAST night I got pulled by the law for motoring offences. I just can't remember which ones because it was part of a slightly strange nightmare.

After a night eating strange and exotic new foods and getting reacquainted with the joys of a particularly enjoyable single malt I'd gone to bed and somehow, via the Land of Nod, ended up giving someone a lift in my MGB GT. Normally, I'd know this is impossible because it's a restoration project still several months away from its finished state, but because it was a dream it was completely and utterly believable. The good news is that, even if you're only driving it in a dream, it looks and sounds the business.

Unfortunately, a police officer parked up in marked BMW X5 clocked that it wasn't finished, pulled me over and booked me for offences I can't remember, and because this was a dream he also bypassed the boring business of taking me to court, swiping my driving licence off me there and then. Months of classic car motoring swiped from me.... and all because I'd eaten some scallops for supper. Luckily, that's when I woke up.

Surreal as it sounds, I'm worried it could inadvertently come true, because thanks to new agreements affecting the region's police forces being brought in, making the prospect of being pulled by a policeman in an X5 worryingly possible. Under the National Policing Improvement Agency's new arrangements, BMW's biggest off-roader, unfortunately, is one of a small choice of 4x4s on offer to the nation's 54 forces.

It's all part of plans to chop the choice on offer to all of Britain's police forces - including Merseyside Police and Lancashire Constabulary - by agreeing a set list of motor makers to provide the vehicles. The David Cameron in me ought to be praising the fact it's going to save more than £3m and luckily the choice is still large enough to prevent you being able to pick out the unmarked cars, but from a petrolhead point of view it's a crying shame, as it'll almost certainly mark the end of being pulled over by something memorable.

The Krays, for instance, could count on being pulled over by anything from an MG soft top sports car, through Lotus Cortinas and even going up to their criminal chariot of choice, the Jaguar MK2. The real Gene Hunts of the Seventies and Eighties could have booked crooks in Capris, Sunbeam Lotuses and Rover SD1s.

These days, though, you can forget any thoughts of being pulled over by an Alfa, Chrysler, or Lexus to name but three, because they're not on the list. But BMW's cars - including the X5 - are, so I can't rule out my nightmare of being pulled in my cherished classic turning true.

Alternatively, I could just try going to sleep on an empty stomach.

P.S: I know the police car pictured above is not a BMW X5, before any particular readers point it out...

Fire up the... Lexus IS-F

THIS car's closest rival, believe it or not, is Liverpool Airport.

I say because the easiest and cheapest way to experience the epic acceleration of Lexus' IS-F, the company's first ever supersaloon, is to check in for the next flight from John Lennon, strap yourself into an Easyjet Boeing 737, and remind yourself of the way it rockets down the runway as it takes off. Japan's answer to the BMW M3 is a master of that same sort of relentless acceleration.

Thanks to a 414bhp, 5.0 litre V8 engine nestling under the bonnet of this otherwise sober suited saloon, this Lexus is fast on a level far removed from ordinary British motoring, making it wickedly intoxicating and effortlessly illegal at the same time.

It's as easy to drive as anything else from the firm's showrooms, being smooth and quiet on country roads and a doddle through built up areas, but mash your right foot into the floor and you might as well be on the next flight to Malaga.

Even overtaking, this car's party piece, can get you into trouble if you don't watch your speed, because even split second bursts will propel you well over the speed limit, although as a conselation you're treated to an American muscle car soundtrack as you do it!

My only real criticism is that it's neither as outlandish as BMW's M3 or Jaguar's XFR - a saloon with this much potency might as well look the part - and that the interior, well built and sumptuously trimmed as it is, isn't particularly inspiring either.

In my heart of hearts I know that a £57,000 Lexus that gets from nought to 60mph in less than five seconds before powering on to a top speed of almost 170mph is completely irrelevant in an age of austerity and Government cost-cutting, and that really I should be pointing you in the direction of one of the firm's eco-friendly hybrid models instead.

But you just can't help loving this Lexus.

As published in The Champion on December 1, 2010

Audi's RS badge is back!

THE badge reserved for Audi's most fearsome models is back - but this time it's on one of the smallest cars the company sells.

Following in the footsteps of the RS4 and RS6 saloons and RS5 and TT RS comes the blistering RS3, which is based on the normal Audi A3 hatchback but packs a 340bhp punch to help it take on ever more powerful rivals from the likes of Ford and BMW.

Audi says that by taking the same five-cylinder engine and four-wheel-drive system as the TT RS the new arrival makes plenty of nods to the iconic Quattro of the 1980s, and should get from nought to sixty in a shotgun 4.6 seconds.

The RS3 arrives in showrooms next spring with a £39,000 pricetag, although you can order it from next month.

No word yet on whether they're planning an RS1 though.

Land Rover vs council gritting teams

DON'T worry about winter getting a bit nasty this year. Providing you've got at least £19,775 to spare you'll be absolutely fine.

That's what Land Rover, Britain's longest established maker of off-roaders, reckoned in its latest full page advert in the nationals, which instead of a car showed shots of snowy scenes from earlier this year. The cost of staying on top of the next Big Freeze, the company reckons, is the entry-level price for the Defender. Convenient or what?

As a longtime lover of all things Land Rover I'd like to say I couldn't agree more; but unfortunately the chaps at the Solihull factory, I reckon, have got it wrong this time. You shouldn't need to use a Land Rover Defender to drive to work because the roads should have been gritted by your friendly, cash-strapped local council. It's a crazy idea, but it might just work.

Even when the roads were at their snowiest, slippiest point during last year's particularly cold snap, there was nothing a bit of carefully-used throttle and a dab of opposite lock steering couldn't solve. I actually developed my snow driving to the point where I was actually enjoyed the daily skid into work, but in most cases all but the quietest roads had actually been gritted long before I'd woken up each morning.

What's more, Lancashire County Council in particular have said they've learned their lessons from last year and are already prepared with a third more grit this time, so I suspect the need to pop out to your friendly local Land Rover showroom won't be quite as pressing as last winter.

Anyone who's seen any of the Land Rovers or Range Rovers I used to get ferried to school in will know I've nothing against them; they are charismatic, capable and genuinely useful things to have around, but chances are you'll only genuinely need one if you're venturing off the beaten track.

If you're not, I'm actually going to suggest you spend a small fraction of what a Defender costs by showing true grit....and buying grit instead.